loving my new background man..
Confessions of a wallflower #2
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Dear Anonymous,
When I was depressed, I never could have written this blog post. I had no motivation to do anything, let alone write about what I was feeling. I could hardly express what I was feeling other than “not myself”, or just not wanting to do anything but live inside my head wondering why I didn’t feel right. I felt like letting every part of my life fall away from me just so I wouldn’t have to deal with it or care for it. I knew I didn’t feel right, but I also didn’t want to take any drugs that messed with my brain chemistry. I’d seen what drugs did to other people, and it seemed like while they felt like they could function better, the underlying “not right” feeling never actually went away. When I was at the hospital for two nights (more like a summer camp facility for teenagers with suicidal tendencies), I had a roommate who suffered from chronic depression and social anxiety. We were both prescribed antidepressants, which is probably why we were placed in the same room. He had burn marks all over and slits on his wrists. He had the physic of 10 year old boy, and he was my age. He was shy but we were stuck in the room for most of the day and we bonded over puzzles, card games and talked about our lives outside the hospital. He was so charming and witty. His appearance reminded me of Kurt Cobain because of his hair. Although we don’t keep in touch anymore, he had a huge impact on my life. So anyways, I refused to take the antidepressants because I was fearful of the side affects…but then I kept waiting and waiting for my depression to end—but it’s a never ending emotion. I went to alternatives to treat my depression but that lead to therapy and family intervention. But now all the therapy and drugs are all behind me. Somehow I just suppressed my bothersome urges to my unspeakable tendencies. I now can function normally, talk to friends, and have the confidence to date again. I’m very proud of myself of where I am today.
—Alex
